After reading my previous postings, it has become apparently
obvious to some, that I hate Korea. In hopes of explaining my
deep hatred of this loathsome city adjacent to a beautiful beach,
dappled with cherry-treed mountains and located in a temperate
climate, I have compiled a list of things that I despise. This
list is not meant to be all-inclusive. I am certain that I will
encounter many more hateful people, places, and ideas as I continue
to live and work in this hate inspiring country called Korea.
Enjoy.
GENEROSITY These people are constantly
trying to give me things! For FREE! If it's not the taxi drivers
trying to weasel their way into making me pay less for my fare,
then it's my fruit vendor stuffing a kilo of peanuts under my
arm as I turn to leave her shop. "Service", "service", "service"
is all I hear every time we go anywhere! Damn these people!
Between the bakery sending me home with 'service' muffins, the
clock-shop owner fixing my watch, 'service' and the incessant
waitress bringing round after round of 'service' food and beverage,
I have simply had enough. Don't even get me started on the 10,
15, and 20% discount they seem to love wielding at the department
stores!
COMMERADERY These people insist on crossing
the cultural and linguistic boundaries to become cherished friends
and acquaintances. One woman at work insists on bringing me
a kim bap snack every time she heads out to buy one for herself!
The nerve! And then the middle-aged woman at the gym who likes
to slap my Spandexed (or sometimes naked) butt, smile, and then
give me a thumbs' up sign…doesn't she realize she reminds me
of my favorite aunt every time she does that? Can I get no relief?
Then there's those darned neighborhood kids! They keep smiling
and waving and holding my hand every time I walk past them,
acting soo cute- Are you with me, here?
AMBITION Can't everyone just give all
of this, "learning" a break? Does everyone have to know English,
Japanese, art, Japanese cooking, traditional dance and the piano?
Why try to better yourself if you're middle-aged and have no
plans to enter the workforce or change careers? Why don't they
just relax in front of the T.V. like we do in America? Why study
when you can watch 'Cops' or 'Jerry Springer'?
HUMOR Why must everyone always be laughing
and joking so much? Taxi drivers always cracking jokes about
soju, the manager at the gym trying to urge a member to climb
into the garbage bag she hauls around, the Hogwon director who
yells over the phone, "Who is THIS? WHO is THIS?" every time
he calls me at home. Sometimes it gets darned hard to keep my
ajuma Conversation class moving because these ladies insist
on laughing every time someone says something funny! And half
the freakin' time it's one of them! They crack jokes and laugh,
they laugh and crack jokes! Enough is enough, I say! They need
to take things more seriously around here! To suggest to their
teacher who was followed and then "flashed" by a masturbating
stranger, "You should have told the man, 'But it is too SMALL!'
" and then laugh hysterically is just not right! And the kids
are just as bad! They will sing or dance or draw a picture and
laugh, laugh, laugh. Frankly it is totally rude and presumptuous
to assume that their teacher enjoys a good joke and has the
time to laugh at any given moment.
VIOLENCE Koreans need to import guns.
Lots of guns. And when they're finished with that, they should
go out and get some more, just in case there weren't enough
in the first place. All of the children need to be furnished
with guns and then encouraged to take them to school. When I
yearn for yet another schoolyard shoot-out, I unfortunately
am forced to turn to news from the west to hear about the latest
tragedy. This gun shortage is the reason why unfortunately,
there is no Korean version of that 'Cops' show. Why doesn't
somebody book Charlton Heston to do some PR work before the
2002 Asian Games pass us by? There really ought to be more gunplay
in those competitions. Perhaps a biathlon that includes water
skiing and seagull shooting can help foster more violence in
Korea's youth. A Handgun Hogwon could help the children perfect
their aim- there certainly wouldn't be any shortage of western
teachers who like to handle firearms. Oddly, it would probably
be the only Hogwon in town where the words, "crazy" or "psycho"
wouldn't make the kids laugh out loud.
ACCOMMODATION Was everyone here just
born nice? Why is it that every time I need something there's
always at least one person that offers to help me get it? Equally
annoying is when complete strangers offer to help me find a
place I'm unable to locate on my own! For cryin' out loud, don't
they have anything better to do? To have a restaurant manager,
protected by a windbreaker lead a lost way-gook in the middle
of January, halfway across Somyon to Zio Place just does not
sit well with me. Why does this culture insist on being so helpful?
FOOD In all honesty it is difficult to
complain about the food, but do you have to always eat it sitting
together like a..a…a family??? Who does this? In the United
States we have a fine tradition of eating pre-made, processed
or otherwise fast foods and then eating it as quickly as possible.
Sure, most eat at the same table when the kids are young but
by the time they're teenagers and mom or dad is on their second
spouse, most don't bother with such formalities anymore. If,
as the Koreans tend to do, you eat slowly and in the same room
as the rest of your family, you are forced to speak to and ultimately,
get to know your entire family. Bo-ring.
EX-PATRIOTS There seems to be a vocal
minority of self-righteous, self-indulged, self-proclaimed leaders
of the Politically-correct Union of Korean Ex-pats ( P.U.K.E)
who believe that only flowery stories about the Wonders of Korea
should be written for Pusan Web. Some of these gentlemen believe
that there is no humor to be found in any of the trials and
travails that a foreigner may encounter in everyday life living
in a foreign country. According to them, to laugh is to mock.
These people are urged to do the following:
Please avoid books, television, and movies that may include
the work of the following; Mark Twain, P.J. O'Rourke, David
Sedaris, John McLaughlin, Mel Brooks, Peter Farrelly, Dave Eggers,
Jerry Seinfeld, or Monty Python. You are certain to be offended
by the culturally insensitive contents. Do not read web-site
articles with the word, "penis" in the title. Do not leave your
home. Do not speak to anyone. Do not procreate!
Please go back to the airport from which you arrived and retrieve
the sense of humor you evidently left behind the moment your
passport was stamped. Ba-li, Ba-li!
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