After reading my previous postings, it has become apparently obvious to some, that I hate Korea. In hopes of explaining my deep hatred of this loathsome city adjacent to a beautiful beach, dappled with cherry-treed mountains and located in a temperate climate, I have compiled a list of things that I despise. This list is not meant to be all-inclusive. I am certain that I will encounter many more hateful people, places, and ideas as I continue to live and work in this hate inspiring country called Korea. Enjoy.

GENEROSITY    These people are constantly trying to give me things! For FREE! If it's not the taxi drivers trying to weasel their way into making me pay less for my fare, then it's my fruit vendor stuffing a kilo of peanuts under my arm as I turn to leave her shop. "Service", "service", "service" is all I hear every time we go anywhere! Damn these people! Between the bakery sending me home with 'service' muffins, the clock-shop owner fixing my watch, 'service' and the incessant waitress bringing round after round of 'service' food and beverage, I have simply had enough. Don't even get me started on the 10, 15, and 20% discount they seem to love wielding at the department stores!

COMMERADERY    These people insist on crossing the cultural and linguistic boundaries to become cherished friends and acquaintances. One woman at work insists on bringing me a kim bap snack every time she heads out to buy one for herself! The nerve! And then the middle-aged woman at the gym who likes to slap my Spandexed (or sometimes naked) butt, smile, and then give me a thumbs' up sign…doesn't she realize she reminds me of my favorite aunt every time she does that? Can I get no relief? Then there's those darned neighborhood kids! They keep smiling and waving and holding my hand every time I walk past them, acting soo cute- Are you with me, here?

AMBITION    Can't everyone just give all of this, "learning" a break? Does everyone have to know English, Japanese, art, Japanese cooking, traditional dance and the piano? Why try to better yourself if you're middle-aged and have no plans to enter the workforce or change careers? Why don't they just relax in front of the T.V. like we do in America? Why study when you can watch 'Cops' or 'Jerry Springer'?

HUMOR    Why must everyone always be laughing and joking so much? Taxi drivers always cracking jokes about soju, the manager at the gym trying to urge a member to climb into the garbage bag she hauls around, the Hogwon director who yells over the phone, "Who is THIS? WHO is THIS?" every time he calls me at home. Sometimes it gets darned hard to keep my ajuma Conversation class moving because these ladies insist on laughing every time someone says something funny! And half the freakin' time it's one of them! They crack jokes and laugh, they laugh and crack jokes! Enough is enough, I say! They need to take things more seriously around here! To suggest to their teacher who was followed and then "flashed" by a masturbating stranger, "You should have told the man, 'But it is too SMALL!' " and then laugh hysterically is just not right! And the kids are just as bad! They will sing or dance or draw a picture and laugh, laugh, laugh. Frankly it is totally rude and presumptuous to assume that their teacher enjoys a good joke and has the time to laugh at any given moment.

VIOLENCE    Koreans need to import guns. Lots of guns. And when they're finished with that, they should go out and get some more, just in case there weren't enough in the first place. All of the children need to be furnished with guns and then encouraged to take them to school. When I yearn for yet another schoolyard shoot-out, I unfortunately am forced to turn to news from the west to hear about the latest tragedy. This gun shortage is the reason why unfortunately, there is no Korean version of that 'Cops' show. Why doesn't somebody book Charlton Heston to do some PR work before the 2002 Asian Games pass us by? There really ought to be more gunplay in those competitions. Perhaps a biathlon that includes water skiing and seagull shooting can help foster more violence in Korea's youth. A Handgun Hogwon could help the children perfect their aim- there certainly wouldn't be any shortage of western teachers who like to handle firearms. Oddly, it would probably be the only Hogwon in town where the words, "crazy" or "psycho" wouldn't make the kids laugh out loud.

ACCOMMODATION    Was everyone here just born nice? Why is it that every time I need something there's always at least one person that offers to help me get it? Equally annoying is when complete strangers offer to help me find a place I'm unable to locate on my own! For cryin' out loud, don't they have anything better to do? To have a restaurant manager, protected by a windbreaker lead a lost way-gook in the middle of January, halfway across Somyon to Zio Place just does not sit well with me. Why does this culture insist on being so helpful?

FOOD    In all honesty it is difficult to complain about the food, but do you have to always eat it sitting together like a..a…a family??? Who does this? In the United States we have a fine tradition of eating pre-made, processed or otherwise fast foods and then eating it as quickly as possible. Sure, most eat at the same table when the kids are young but by the time they're teenagers and mom or dad is on their second spouse, most don't bother with such formalities anymore. If, as the Koreans tend to do, you eat slowly and in the same room as the rest of your family, you are forced to speak to and ultimately, get to know your entire family. Bo-ring.

EX-PATRIOTS    There seems to be a vocal minority of self-righteous, self-indulged, self-proclaimed leaders of the Politically-correct Union of Korean Ex-pats ( P.U.K.E) who believe that only flowery stories about the Wonders of Korea should be written for Pusan Web. Some of these gentlemen believe that there is no humor to be found in any of the trials and travails that a foreigner may encounter in everyday life living in a foreign country. According to them, to laugh is to mock.

These people are urged to do the following:
Please avoid books, television, and movies that may include the work of the following; Mark Twain, P.J. O'Rourke, David Sedaris, John McLaughlin, Mel Brooks, Peter Farrelly, Dave Eggers, Jerry Seinfeld, or Monty Python. You are certain to be offended by the culturally insensitive contents. Do not read web-site articles with the word, "penis" in the title. Do not leave your home. Do not speak to anyone. Do not procreate!

Please go back to the airport from which you arrived and retrieve the sense of humor you evidently left behind the moment your passport was stamped. Ba-li, Ba-li!