The following excerpts have been culled from a report filed by the International Institute for the Advancement of Hand-Eye Coordination and Satirification of Consensus Reality entitled 'On the Yeti's Migration to Atlantis': 

     ...electroshock having proved a viable method of jarring the subject from it's given subjective viewpoint in regards to consensus reality.    The subject in question was at the time of being electrically shocked, teaching a beginning phonic's class to thirty five children at a private institute in Pusan's Man-Duk area.  Please consider his first hand 
testimony: 

     EXHIBIT A: ...and so I was there on the stage, in front of the kids. The classroom has this great P.A. system, which makes the kids perk up and listen like it's the voice of God itself.  I had a choice between a wireless and a wired mic, and I'd chosen the wired mic on this particular day for no reason I can remember.  But that's just the thing, the electric shock was so strong that I'm not sure what I can 'really' remember.  I was up there, and I was repeating, like, 'Ba - Ba - Ba - Ba - B -B -B - Ba -Ba ..." when 
my mouth or my hand must've touched the wrong place or maybe two wrong places on the microphone ... because then, I felt a sharp wave of pain racing through my arm and up my spine from the bottom of my back to my neck and then my brain.  After the jolt flash was over I was still frozen, standing still ... wondering what the fuck had happened.  I had no doubt that it was electrical shock, because the excruciatingly painful sensation was identical to a heavy dose of electrical shock I took when I was 18 and working as an equipment grip roadie and I'd grabbed onto an amp plug in a socket 
while drenched with sweat.  This time I froze for a few seconds, wiped the 
drool from my speechless chin, and went back into 'Ba - Ba - Ba - B - Ba - B 
...'. 
  The kids were looking at me very suspiciously, like 'why did this schmuck just stop talking for thirty seconds?'.  This teaching shit is so much more dangerous than I'd ever expected. 

     EXHIBIT B:  So, the U.S. Army accidentally bombed and killed some Korean Civilians?  That's what I read ... and heard.  As a result, the locals are pissed, and protest chanting 'Yankee Go Home!', go figure. And they're raw about the G.I. who was convicted ( ? ... or accused?) in the brutal rape/slaying of a waitress in Seoul.  I saw about twenty busloads of Mod-Budo uniformed Korean Riot skullbusters last weekend.  Shit.      So, why is my country's army still here?  What is the purpose of  this sort of allowed occupation?  I mean, I'm not saying that they shouldn't be there necessarily, but I want to know why.  Does Uncle Sammy own the real estate?  Or does he rent?  Are the G.I.'s here as a part of deal for mutual support cut with the Dallas and Hollywood Star club incorporata? 

     I grew up on Air Force Bases for the first 17 years of my life, and as a result I've cultivated an acute distaste for all things American Military.   But on the utterly hypocritical tip, I sleep better knowing they're here. Why?  I don't know, I guess I'm just another one of those Star Spangled Bastards.  A grade-B hunk of Pure Mee-Guk Way-Gu-Gan tainted meat.  I curse the Dogface Gi Joe's when it comes naturally and I'll be the first to beg for help if some shit ever goes down.  I must suffer from the  delusion/belief that if I were to become embroiled in some sort of trouble that they might help me. 

     Exhibit C (C deez nutz):  What exactly is the answer to 'the Canadian Question', if indeed one exists.  Why do I suffer from the sneaking suspicion that I would somehow be better off on this half of the world if I was coming from the great northern real estate plot of Canada?  Why do I feel like I would somehow be able to function more smoothly in Korean society were I Canadian?  Am I some sort of Star Spangled Bastard ... or am I just a bastard? 

     Exhibit D: It's time to violate the standard taboo on race/nationality conscious discussion even further at this point; hang on as we enter the grossly general realm of the theoretical:      I've been hit with this comment from westerners a lot lately; ' ...don't you think they (meaning Korean people) all look the same?'. And ultimately, I have to disagree whenever someone touches on this subject. 

During the three months I've been here so far, I can say that I've observed a vast range of ectomorphilogical (body/feature type) variation in the areas of facial and body structure.  So far, I think the similarities in natural hair coloring and eye shape between many people of Korean decent is decievingly less uniform than it may appear to the briefly observant western human eye.  Having made this statement, I'd like to advance a humor based theory on the origins of 'racial' or 'ectomorphological' variation amongst 
the humans of the planet Earth: 

     Many years ago, like millions or thousands of years ago, when the human thing was just getting started, and things were brutally simple, there were only a few different kinds of people.  The pre-Asian and Islandic peoples were the water people ... or mer-people if you will.  They probably hung out in city's like Atlantis and places like the Sargasso sea.  The pre-black people and pre aboriginal/native sort of people were the land people, sort of like Bigfoots.  And the pre-white people were the snow people ... like Yeti's.  Everyone else either fell into these categories or other ones, like bird and reptile people, that I'm still working on.     Maybe there was a sort of perfectly balanced food chain ... in the spirit of rock - paper -scissors ... like the land people would kill the water people like a bear eats fish ... and the water people would kill the snow people when the 
snow people's ice melted and they fell into the water ... and the snow people would kill the land people when the land people wandered into the snow areas unprepared for the cold and slipped into undefended hibernation.  So everybody naturally feared somebody else.  But, then politics and diplomacy and fire and the wheel were discovered, and everything got so much more complicated ... maybe.  Hey, it could've happened.  And maybe the devil planted fake dinosaur bones all over the earth to trick the humans and 
get them into trouble with God.  I don't claim to know these things for sure. 

     EXHIBIT E: Hey, I'm just another misguided Star Spangled Bastard, so get off my back!  I think everybody just needs to fuck and get it over with, and create a beautiful motley race of Earth People.  We should live naked in the woods and eat mushrooms and smoke herbs and use our super-advanced telepathic powers to do everything from talking and controlling the weather to traveling in outerspace ... without ever lifting a finger.  That would be cool.  Call me crazy, but ... hey, just call me if you're ripe to  make some space babies! 

     I don't care what y'all're doing.  I'm going to start practicing my mental powers.  Let's do it right, and start the new year off by changing if from January 1 2001 A.D. to January 1, 1 A.P.  Year One ... a sort of global reboot if you will!  Let's knock the dust off the Judeo/Christian/Western global dating system and change A.D. (Ano Domini) to A.P. (Ano Populi) - a simple shift from 'the Year of Our Lord' to 'the Year of the People'.  I think this effort should be termed, 'the Year One Syndicate' ... as it  would have to be carried out by a loosely connected web of individuals around  the world. 

     Oh yeah, forget about it, that would just be too complicated. Instead, let's just turn on the tube and watch some sports.  We can check out the armed conflicts around the world on CNN while 'the game's on commercial break.'. 

     EXHIBIT A-2: ...and then, after I'd recovered from the electric shock to my spine and brain, the classroom and all of the students when all swirly and screwy in my vision, and the whole scene flickered like a fritzy television.  From where I was standing, my surrounding's blinked in and out ... one minute, the classroom, and the next the Roman Gladitorial Arena 
... 
Lions eating Christians ... with blood for ketchup ... a forest seminar hosted by a young gutless Buddha ... the first skinny Elvis ... a Salem witch trial ... a MacDonald's birthday party with the creepy fucking clown and a huge tank of orange aide ... then a  cro-magnon wrestling match ...which segued into a seventies style So-Cal demolition derby ... a telepathic showdown on the distant planet Quwaard ... the buffet line at  a Ponderosa steakhouse ...  a seedy crackhouse with twenty  turned out ho's  lounging on vinyl divans ... a brassworks sword factory ...  a tribal crop blessing in Nairobi ... 

     EXHIBIT F: Song lyrics?  Aw fuck ... now?  Yes.  They're by the Silver Jews, from their beautifully written album 'American Water' ... then the  Pusan Web people can justify posting this turd by calling it a music review ... chun-jae!: 

     ' I am the trick my mother played on the world ... seventeen doctors couldn't decide whether I should be allowed in the game ...' 

     ... and ... 

    ' My mamma named me after a king ... I'm gonna bury my name in you...' 

    ... and of course ... 

     ' When the rent became whiskey ... then my life became risky ... a 
shattered dog on the rocks...' 
 

      ... and a little Kool Keith for good measure ... 

         ' ... regular girls ... they're so boring ... ' 

      ... and ... 

     Kool Keith:  'Can I stick a Lollipop in your ass?". 

     Ho: 'Only if you suck it.". 

Alright kids, time to blink out ... keep it real until next time ... or not.

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