SHOCKING FACTS
BROUGHT TO LIGHT ASTONISH, DIMINISH
by Ann
Alley Sciss & S.A Tyre
Dear literate reader, please consider the following
events ...
On the 5th of
March, 2001, Tibor D'jaja, emperor by divine right of Tumeili,
one of the tiny South Pacific island countries visited Kim Dae Jung
at the Blue House in Seoul. It was the first diplomatic meeting
between Tumeili and the Repulic of South Korea. It was a
relaxed and low key meeting, covered only by the major
international wire services. It was reported that on
the agenda for discussion were issues concerning some possible
shipping contracts with the Tumeili National Freighter Lines,
importation of large quantities of Quintryptillion, a chemical
occuring naturally only on the shores of Tumeili and which has
revolutionized the field of low viscosity thermal lubricants,
and property/contract negotiations between Kim Dae Jung and the
chief executive of Tumeili's government owned National
Residential Contractor's Association for a summer home which Kim
D.J. wants to build on Tumeili's temperate southern coast.
After the two
days of negotiations ended, the wire services made short mention
of the meeting. Rooter's Seoul correspondant, Sergio Malogna
reported that the talks ended on a very good note with Kim D.J.
and Emperor D'jaja and his executive staff entourage parting
only after the Tumeili secret service mentioned reminded them
that the Emperor had to attend equally important talks in
Malaysia the next day and in Burundi by the end of the
week. It was also reported that the two became fast friends,
sharing an uncharacteristic and staggering of soju over
table-hibatchi-cooked beef, chicken, duck, pork and dog
Gkalbi in the Blue House banquet hall. Included in the Rooter's
wire report was this snippet of a conversation between Kim Dae
Jung and D'jaja and their translators:
Kim D.J.
: "I'll be happy to spend some time relaxing once
the house in Pizznawatta (the largest city on the southern coast
of Tumeili) is finished.".
D'jaja:
"Yes my friend, your new compound shall be truly glorious. But
now that you are my honorary son, it is Tumeili custom that you and
your family shall spend some time at the palace in Gwatajamama
(Tumeili's central, capital city). I would like for you to
join me in my beloved pastime of black powder rifle fishing, it
is truly the sport of gods.".
Kim D.J.:
"Tibor, that would be a fantastic way for my wife and myself to
relax next summer. Which do you like more, the C-1 or
the Cherry Remix Soju?".
D'jaja: "
Yes, I definitly prefer the Cherry Remix, I've always loved
fruit flavored beverages. Say, would you please pass the
bonedeggi?".
Kim D.J.:
"Yes, we knew from your dossier that you were a fan of fruit
flavored beverages, while I myself prefere traditional
soju. Sometimes life as the president becomes so
stressful, and I give some of the simpler pleasures such as
plain soju and morning walks in the garden credit for allowing
me to retain my focus and peace of mind.".
D'jaja: "Tell
me about it, being the leader is like putting up a sign which
reads 'Please Shit On Me'. Everyone wants to be the 'one' who
makes that little comment or does that little which which puts
the boss in his or her place. I don't know what they're
thinking when they do that shit, it's simply maddening!".
Kim D.J.: "Ha
ha, 'please shit on me!'. I hope you will accept my
compliment when I tell you that you are a truly funny divine
emperor Tibor. Yes, I recognized a long time ago that fate or
life or whatever you call it deals out roles to newborn
babies as if they were actors recieving a script to memorize.
What some fail to realize is that God is a lousy writer. ".
D'jaja:
" Ha ha ha! Thank you Dae Jung, my wife tells me that often as
well. Ha Ha".
Kim D.J. " Ha
ha ha! Pak Sueng Ju, where is my quick-cam? Let's take
some pictures.". D'jaja: " Dae
Jung, I would like to tell you a story my friend. It's
about a chicken that used to run around the courtyard of the
imperial compound. When my son was very young, maybe two
or three years old, he would often play with the chicken.
We thought that he was merely fascinated by the animal because
of it's humorous nature. But later we found out that he'd
secretly been inserting pepples and coins into the chicken's rectum
in order to make it run around, squawking in a frantic
state. I didn't discover this myself. Strangely
enough, the chicken's unfortunate circumstance was discovered by
a group of visitors at the Imperial Palace. I remember it like
it happened one hour ago. I remember Alfred Timmons, he
was a doctor of sociology from Toronto. Then there was
Fleur Dubois, a French adventurer and clothing magnate,
Bruce Jenner, the American Olympic athelete, British Prime
Minister Margaret Thatcher, the retired Mexican wrestler and
popular film star Santos, and my gardener, G'malliwa, a
recovered drug addict who'd I'd taken from the streets and
rehabilitated some years prior, and who was guiding this group
through the courtyard, towards the Imperial gardens for a
tour.".
Kim D.J.: "Tibor, however did
you assemble such a strange and mismatched party of guests at
the Imperial palace? It's almost too strange to believe.".
D'jaja: " Yes, Dae Jung, I know
it's difficut to accept, but it's the truth. All I can say
is that they were all friends I'd made over the years, and
Tumeili and the Imperial Palace are so beautiful that
even the most powerful leaders must often schedule their visits
concurrently so as to all of my close personal friends around
the world the distinct pleasure of attending my court.".
Kim D.J.: " Yes, I see. So
now, about the poor chicken.".
D'jaja: " Ah yes, my son's
unfortunate plaything, the Chicken. Well, there they
were, my distinguished guests and my gardener. They were
slowly strolling through the Imperial courtyard, when they spot
this chicken. Santos starts laughing at the nearly epileptic
state in which the chicken is running around, falling and
rolling around in the dirt. Thatcher, Bruce Jenner and my
Gardener were laughing too. Then all of a sudden, Fleur
Dubois grabs the chicken by it's neck and sticks his thumb and
index finger up it's ass and pulls out five Tumeilian coins and
two large stones. Then he announces to the group in a frenchy
sort of English, ' My God, this chicken's ass is full of
foriegn objects. ".
Kim D.J.: " Wow!".
D'jaja: Yeah, it was crazy. I
was watching the whole thing on my surviellance camera and
listening through the secret service microphones we have set up
throughout the courtyard. Everybody in the control room was
laughing really hard.".
Kim D.J.: "Uh huh. And then what
happened".
D'jaja: "Well, everyone
just laughed a lot. I don't remember anything else
eventful happening at the moment. We figured out that it was
the work of my son, which he sheepishly admitted after an ice
cream interrogation. Well all had great laughs over
dinner. But, a few months later, I was shocked, and a
little embarrassed to see an article printed in National
Geographic entitled ' Observing the Tumielian Chicken-Rectal
Divination Oracular Ritual', and it was written by Alfred
Timmons. I won't go through the whole thing, but he made
it sound like every Tumeilian was a chicken buggering butt
freak. We were really embarrassed, and I will say that he
never visited our beautiful island again. We also caught
Thatcher, Jenner and my Gardener snorting coke in the palace's
cold-storage room. But the Imperial palace is no stranger
to wild parties.".
Kim D.J.: " Ha ha ha.
Would you please pass the crackers?".
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