Pusanweb Writing Contest 2002 - Fiction
 
The Dead Rat
  by 'The Flying Fish'
December 14, 2002

 


I awoke the other morning to a rather bizarre series of events. As I lay lazily on my bed, within the later hours of the morning, an overtly feminine scream reverberated throughout my dog box like bedroom. The proximity of the lady's anguish was surely within my residence I concluded with both concern and bewilderment. Having never been one to ignore a damsel in distress, I leaped out of bed in assistance. I quickly grabbed my towel and wrapped myself, ensuring that my morning glory was well hidden, and bounded out the door. To my complete and utter surprise I found my 6'2" Canadian housemate Cletus ( who assures me he wasn't teased a child) staring rather cowardly at the scarce remains of a rat on our doorstep. What followed seemed to be a perfectly executed 'minute's silence' in which, I struggled desperately against the desire to blurt, " you bloody pansy picker". It was Cletus who finally broke the increasingly uncomfortable hush with "pretty gross hey?," "Yeh?" I conceded.

The rat that lay before us was nothing more than a pool of blood, a head, a tail, and what seemed to be a kidney. " Don't stress dude, I'll clean it up" I offered and casually strolled back into my bedroom. I plonked myself purposefully onto my bed and began to think. The rat, although largely abhorred by society, deserves to have a story an obituary perhaps. Don't get me wrong I wasn't about to begin handing out certificates of appreciation to the dozens of festy rodents roaming the streets of Busan, but a simple note to dissolve the anonymity of the carcass sitting on my balcony became necessary. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the story of the dead rat.

Fugly (abbreviation for F#%king ugly) was sprawled out casually on his bedding of plastic wrappings and assorted road trash, easily available on the streets of Korea. For the past hour he had lain somberly contemplating how his unsuccessful life had come to be. In the journey that is life, this poor fellow had suffered some very cruel twists of fate indeed. Fugly was 5 years old, late middle aged, by rat standards. He had been the Twelfth and last born of his litter. When he had appeared covered in afterbirth and associated membranes his mother had proclaimed in repulsion" that is the most heinous creature I have ever seen. Get it away from me, its f$%king ugly?" From that day on Fugly had existed as the bane of his family's s fortunes. Today, he was a failure, an underfed and grossly deformed rodent. Let me describe him for you. He had the lower part of his tail missing, from a failed attempt at fishing for cockroaches in a nearby drain. He often grimaced at recalling his stupidity for overlooking the fact that a cockroach has two sets of razor sharp teeth. In compensation for his depleted tail he had acquired an abnormally sized left testicle, which, on most rats would have remained well hidden amongst the fur growing in their loins. Predictably, Fugly did not enjoy this luxury. Several months prior, he had been the victim of a ruthless skin disease, which had rendered his crutch and anal areas devoid of, lets face it, privacy. Coupled to these dramatic disasters was the fact that Fugly was naturally no oil painting. He had a set of glassy, beady little eyes which, perpetually portrayed the image of a sixties university student and his ears resembled the dorsal fin of Free Willy, limp and defeated. As for his teeth, you could not imagine a bigger set of front chompers, even if you tried. He was a gruesome creature that was for sure, but he had a good heart, a few sympathizers would comment as he lumbered by in a protective manner, developed as a means of avoiding the pain associated with bumping his left private.

He did have a good heart Fugly regularly conceded to himself surmising; its that or I am indefinably stupid. Many a rat would have simply fled upon receiving the news that he had gotten Young Parks youngest daughter pregnant. Young Park was the last descendant of Abraham Randolph Rat, who alone was responsible for the plagues of Israel described in the Old Testament, Our Holy Bible. As such, Mr. Park not only commanded the position of chief magistrate, but he also enjoyed the freedom to stamp out the ugliest of rats in his particular region, rodent genocide if you like. Fugly fondly reminisced of the night that he and Henrietta had so innocently indulged in the primal pleasures of copulation. As luck would have it though, a gestation period of 30 days, followed by 13 hopelessly dependant offspring soon dispelled the innocence associated with such an act. With that he heard his wife scream a vicious ultimatum? Fugly, if you don't get up this very minute I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your throat". What a feral he sighed as he rolled out of bed to the right side, again the private issue, and rose to become the breadwinner of his miserable little family.

Brutus, our unlikely hero, was bored. He had lain around all day long depressed with the humiliation of the night prior where, he had become the laughing stock of the worldwide feline community. His human master, a kindly old lady, had entered him in the Guinness book of records fat cat competition. "Sure I'm a tad shapely around the edges" he had dribbled "but the fattest cat in the world, surely not" The final words of the officials still rang unrelentingly in his head ?and weighing in at 4.5 Kilograms the winner is Brutus? He was not a happy camper at all. Brutus had been pampered his whole life. He had eaten freely and rarely saw the need to pursue his traditional feline instincts. Instead, he preferred rub himself up against his owners legs and sit comfortably by the fire. He had become so complacent that he didn't even feel the desire to sharpen his claws on the surrounding furniture. Yes indeed, Brutus had lead a charmed life in the sanctuary created by his aging master. He had none of the problems seen by his fellow Kittys, the rum and milk cocktails or the passive inhaling of spliffs. One case particularly horrified him; two children cruelly threw his high school buddy into the air, several times with a somersault action, to be simply amazed at how he always ended up landing on his feet. Anyway, the aftermath of being named the fattest cat on earth was yielding a far more terrifying prospect for Brutus, diet.

He could not remember the last time his master had failed to provide him with his two pounds of bacon for breakfast, and the dry cat food he received for lunch was nothing in comparison to the usual full grown turkey he devoured. In addition, the appearance of the book ' diet for felines- when enough is enough' on the lounge room coffee table was sending shivers up his spine every time he looked at it. It was now dinnertime and Brutus was convulsing with hunger pains, he was so hungry that he was actually contemplating chewing his own arm off in response. One less leg, what's it matter, three are just as good as four, he drooled crazily. With that the lady of the house appeared with his dinner, a can of sardines and a handful of dried cat food. Brutus couldn't believe it, for the whole day he hadn’t even eaten enough to necessitate backing one out into the kitty litter. This was bad, really really bad. Something had to be done, he could feel his animalistic tendencies erupting though his body, the widening of his pupils, the stretching of his limbs and the ferocity associated total cannibalism. Yep, this cat was getting gnarly indeed and surprisingly, Brutus found himself becoming strangely titillated by his newfound venom, "you is the man" he strutted before plonking himself on the woolly rug before the fireplace in exhaustion. A little snooze and then he would be off into the night to fend for himself he asserted.

Fugly had had a terrible night, if narrowly escaping being mauled by a ferocious cocker spaniel wasn't bad enough, the fact that he had urinated on himself upsetting his sensitive skin disease, was a disaster. To the observer he must have appeared to be the most ridiculous sight as he wandered along scratching at his balding genitalia. Could it get any worse? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Something startled Brutus to awaken, he was revived and hungry. It was time to get out there, put his hat in the ring or bring home the bacon. He cared not for the cliche associated with his actions, he just needed to eat. In an effort to limber up he did a push up, then another three quarters of a push up, then half. He was warm he shuddered. With that, Brutus embarked on a mission he had never known although, somehow he felt guided by his instincts. He calmly negotiated the flap in the back door, a tight squeeze but he made it, and into the night he ventured. Instantly, the scents of nocturnal activity struck his newly heightened senses. He could smell birds, rodents, bugs and of course dogs, he was alive.

Fugly had had enough, he knew of a rodent safe house nearby and decided to take a break there for a while. This safe house was so because in it, resided the fattest cat he had ever seen. As a one cat's territory, no other cat would enter and as the resident feline was far to uninspired to pursue any intruders, it became a safe house. Off he ambled, scratching a clawing as he went. He knew this house had a fish pond, in which, he could bathe his blistering affliction. "Arghh!!?he moaned in pre-emptive delight, he was almost there.

Now lets get one thing straight here, despite Brutus being a starving, ferocious and unforgiving individual at this point of time, he was still arguably the laziest cat on earth, even the widening of his nostrils as he smelled exhausted him. As such, he had devised a plan to sit tight and wait for his prey to come to him. “Brilliant? he had concluded. With that he selected a moderately sized hiding place from which he could pounce on his victim. Sniff, sniff, he could smell something, it was utterly repugnant, and disgusting he ventured to suggest, "but delicious it shall be"he stated in the quavering tone of a homicidal maniac. This would be his greatest moment.

Into the yard hobbled Fugly and into the pond he dived. The cool water provided an incredible relief although it was however, short lived. Underwater, Fugly grappled with fear at what he saw. As he looked up through the surface of the pond he met the eyes of a cat who seemed to be suffering the debilitating disease of gigantism. In his painful disillusionment he had failed to scope the yard, his goose was cooked, what was he to do?

With his life flashing before him, he let out a gargled cry "Bring it on fatso, lets end this now" Fugly breached like a majestic humpback and beached himself nicely on the surrounding rocks. In an instant he was on his feet, but it was all too late, Brutus had lunged forward and planted his two fore legs on Fugly. The poor rat struggled, scratched, bit and twisted; amazingly he escaped as Brutus' failure to sharpen his claws allowed no grip. Off and up the stairs Fugly bounded, his enormous testicle swaying from side to side, and his groins chaffing immeasurably with each step. Brutus was in hot pursuit, the fattest cat in the world chasing the ugliest rat on the planet, what a sight it would have been. Halfway up the steps Brutus was just a stride away when his energy began to wane. He was grasping for air, Fugly increased his lead and arrived at the balcony surrounding the upper level. All of a sudden, in a cruel twist of irony, the rat stumbled and tripped over his testicle, falling flat on his face. Brutus' eyes lit up, he had him. He bit down hard into fugly's jugular and held tight until the final twitches in the hideous creatures body ceased. The rat was dead. Brutus carried him to the nearby step and before devouring him recited the following poem which is time honored among the traditional foes of cats and rats.

I am a cat, you are a rat
We are both equally free
It was said by our long gone ancestors
That this is how it should be.

I pity you for your loss of life
And the family that loves you too
But you are an ugly hideous thing
That would look better coming out in my poo.

With that Brutus ate.

Fact: Kidneys keep fluids, minerals (such as calcium and magnesium), and electrolytes (such as sodium and potassium) in balance while excreting waste products into the urine. Doesn't sound to tasty does it? I can forgive Brutus for failing to devour this section of Fugly.

Ladies and gentlemen I hope that I have dispelled the anonymity associated with the disgusting carcass on my doorstep. This how I think the rat lived and died. How do you think it all happened?

 

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