There I was, with my
Titlest 2 hanging precariously over the fringe-like edge of one
hellish sand trap.The ball
was just yards from an eagle putt on this first hole of my local
golf course.What a way to
start a day.Halfway between
manicured hybrid heaven and a gritty sandbox from hell.It was a drizzly day, dark and
overcast.With storm clouds
ominous enough to keep all the other golfers away, I was playing in
a lonesome onesome.Just as I
pulled my wedge back in preparation for a dangerously soft chip
shot, another player’s ball came whizzing down into the sand beside
me causing a most irritating sand-splash.A few granules stung my face, I
dropped my club, and the tiny concussion caused my ball to roll back
from the green’s edge and into the sand trap.Furious, I turned toward the tee as
two strangely dressed figures hopped into their respective golf
carts and started electro-motoring toward me.As I prepared to let the idiots
have it for not only endangering my life but also for failing to
shout a warning, I realized that neither individual could be
classified as a “typical golfer”.They appeared to be clad from head
to toe in some shimmering material and were actively disregarding
the course policy that restricts golf cart operation to the
designated cart paths.Also,
they seemed to be racing one another, shouting and flailing their
arms as they veered dangerously close to the other’s cart while
hunching forward to, I suppose, improve aerodynamics.My anger and eminent verbal
bitching spree quickly changed to shock and confusion as they ground
their carts to a halt in front of me and jumped out to see precisely
where the errant ball had dropped.Up close, their outfits were even
more striking and out-of-place, but I still couldn’t quite see
either of them clearly.In
fact, whenever I tried to stare directly at them to ascertain their
features, they seemed to emit a nearly blinding brightness.They bustled around me, kicking up
sand as they continued arguing presumably over the placement of the
ball.But that’s the
thing.I couldn’t understand
what they were saying, or even what language they were
speaking.They hacked their
words out, bellowing and hissing, and then one laughed at the other.
The one who had started laughing was wearing flip-flop sandals, and
the other, now even more infuriated, wore no shoes at all.And if my eyes stayed fixed upon
anything higher than their feet and the ground around them, I
experienced something like the sensation one gets after staring at
the sun for more than a few seconds.My vision got spotty, I felt ready
to sneeze, and my eyelids involuntarily squinted shut.By then, I had followed their
movements around by using my peripheral vision and staring at their
feet.
“Excuse me, gentlemen, but what
language is that you’re speaking?” I inquired while looking
away.
Well of course, I speak
Hebrew, and he speaks Arabic.
But unlike you and other
gentlemen, we speak and understand all languages.Tell us, golferman, which ball is
ours.
“Well, this Titlest is
mine.That one over there is
the ball that nearly hit me.It’s yours.And you’re supposed to wait until
the party ahead of you has cleared out before hitting balls in their
direction.”
See, now you’ve almost killed another
feeble and innocent human being.
They started arguing
unintelligibly again until I chimed in, “uh, who are you guys?”
Alas, we’re not guys at
all.I am the one and only
ruler of the universe, father of mankind, creator of all things and
administrator of justice, but perhaps known to you as the great
Allah.
And I am the true creator of
human beings, originator of life and all existence as it is known to
humans, deliverer of persecuted peoples, Jehovah, but the modern
translation of my name is poignantly God.
“Uh…I’m Danny.Pleased to meet you, Sirs.”
Shalom
Salaam.
Very well, Danny the
golferman, pray tell which of us is viewed with greater respect,
fear, and love amongst your fellow human population.
“Uh…well…gee…I don’t want to
offend anybody…”
Just spit it out,
boy.
“Most of the people in this
country pray to God, not Allah.”
Aha, you stubborn,
dirty-faced old goat!I told
you that it is I who has the most power over humanity.
“But actually, the world is full
of the followers of Islam, too.They call themselves Muslims, and
they are, in many ways, more devout in their beliefs and following
of you, Mister…umm…Allah.
Take that, you pompous,
Aryan-cultivating has-been, worshipped by a bunch of wishy-washy
believers!
“Excuse me, gentlemen…err…Your
Highnesses, why are you here?”
Well, to play golf, of
course.
“But…umm…isn’t there a lot
of…uh…more important stuff going on in the world?”
Yes, yes of
course there is, but you must be familiar with our respective
hands-off approaches to running the universe.Are you not familiar with our most
profound gift to mankind, the ability to shape one’s fate with free
will and reason?
“Uh…sure, I know about man’s
free will to choose, but what about miracles and mercy?What about all those people who’ve
been murdered in the past few months?All of those bombs falling and
planes exploding?Family
members crying, refugees crawling, and men sacrificing their lives
for causes they credit to you two and your respective ideals and
forms of justice?”
Well, Danny the golferman, it seems you
have no lack of questions for us.We shall ask you a question and if
you can answer it correctly, we will answer all of yours.Why is your ball here in the sand
when a more advantageous position would certainly be nearer to that
hole over there?
“Well…uh…it WAS on the green
until your ball caused me to get pelted with sand and…”
Now, now…we needn’t any excuses.Just tell us why your ball is NOT
presently in or near the cup.
“Okay, I give up. Why?”
Simply put, Danny, you are limited by the
rules of your game.You must
play this ball wherever it lies.And it is indeed small enough and
lightweight enough to be affected greatly by any or all of the
naturally occurring environmental factors like wind and barometric
pressure, gravity and grass, just to name a few.Be the ball, Danny, and realize
that by giving you humans free will, we’ve restricted ourselves to a
few history-altering chip shots, many of which are affected by
natural forces, evolutionary, environmental or otherwise.We’ve fashioned the most
potentially perfect golf ball—mankind—and driven it near the most
beautiful green in all of existence—this earthly dimension.But somehow, some way, it has wound
up just short of the glory of our perfection and righteous
intentions. In the sand trap. Or on the beach, as you golfers
facetiously put it.Call it a
nasty headwind, bad karma, or misplaced free will.But the question is not how you
have found yourself in the sand, Danny, but how you shall get
yourself out of it.How you
humankind shall find your way onto the green and nearer the
prize.
“The prize?But can’t there be only one?Why are there two of you, and why
were you arguing with one another if you’re such perfect
beings?”
The fact that there are two of us causes
you some consternation.Are
you certain that there are two of us, Danny?Perhaps he is I, and I am he.Perhaps you see what you already
believe is true, or what history has created within your
consciousness.Is it not
possible that our competitiveness is a function of YOUR world’s
belief in our perceived rivalry?Were it not for the division of
religions amongst men, perhaps we would have appeared before you as
only one being.
“Okay, sure, but I can see that
each of you has two feet, and you raced up here in two separate golf
carts.”
Yes, of course we did, Danny, but look
around you and back to the fairway.Do you see another ball?Are we not sharing just one golf
ball in our game today?
“Wow…”
Wow, indeed, Danny, the
golferman.
“Well…uh…wouldn’t that mean that
the proverbial egg came before the chicken?Or, in this case, that the ball
came before the golfer?You
know…like ‘we believe in god, therefore he exists’ kinda thing?
Be careful, Danny.Lightning works in mysterious ways,
especially on golf courses.Our objective existence is not the
same as your subjective perception of how we exist.Again, simply stated, you see us as
you want to see us, but our infinite presence as a universal force
transcends all of your limited ideas, imaginations, and artistic
renderings of us.A thousand
years to you humans is like a day to us.And every few days we send a
messenger to spell it out for you all, but somehow you seem to muck
it all up.Everybody seems to
get the message perfectly and things go great for a while.But then you all just slip back
into sinful selfishness, pretentious delusions of domination, and
ethnic and cultural battles for superiority.
“But what about the Bible, the
Koran, the book of Mormon, the Jews, and those Jehovah’s
witnesses?How are we supposed
to know what’s right?It seems
like they’re all trying to convince everybody that their religion is
the best and only true religion.”
And yet, with so many choices, your world
is still full of non-believers.It even seems that the recent
tragedies of which you spoke have caused a great many fair weather
fans amongst those of you reared with either the Bible or the
Koran.Such a travesty to
twist love and mercy into hate and vengeance.
“Yeah, I suppose.But I still can’t tell which
religion you want me to believe.”
Danny, remember your free
will.Have you studied these
religions and their messages?
“Uh…I was baptized catholic,
went to a Christian high school, been up in Oral Robert’s prayer
tower, visited Israel with my Jewish best friend, and lots of
Jehovah’s witnesses have knocked on my door.”
Your frustration is apparent
in your jocularity, Danny, but still you fail to see that our
messages are the same; treat others as you would like to be treated,
and cherish life instead of destroy it.If you would not want someone to
tell you that you were wrong to believe in something, should you
then point out the apparent inconsistencies in the religions of
others?Mankind has taken the
ideal pursuit of a higher-powered truth and transformed it into a
self-righteous contest of religious conversions, a futile race
against eternity to fashion empires of influence and glorify
charismatic men.But that is
all wrong.We do not live in
your churches, your mosques, or your temples.We live in your hearts and
minds.We are not glorified
and praised in your tithes or your tax-deductible donations, your
manifest destinies in fruition or your door-to-door conversions. We
are glorified and praised in your actions, your kindness, and your
generosity.If you field
questions instead of sewing answers, than you shall truly reap a
bounty of followers and bevy of believers.All of you are our creatures, our
blessed creations.Each of you
has the ability to rise above your warring and animalistic
evolutionary roots and strive to make your world a better place for
all of humankind.We have
entrusted you with reason, higher level thinking, and that spiffy
opposable thumb.But just look
at whatyou have accomplished.Mass destruction and genocide,
horrible corruption and disproportionate standards of living, the
creation and ostentatious proliferation of weapons powerful enough
to decimate all of you, all of our creations, as well as render this
planet uninhabitable for all forms of life for generations to
come.Why have you embraced
and fostered national and ethnic solidarity at the expense of
worldwide humanity and your fellow mankind?Why have you chosen subjugation,
enslavement, alienation, discrimination, intimidation, and
ultimately destruction?Fear,
pride, and money, that is why.You push technology in war and
weaponry for no more reason than the fear of an enemy who is no
different, genetically speaking, than you are.You are too proud to accept others
from outside of your individual tribes or to acknowledge the
legitimacy and value of cultural diversity.And finally, you care for little
more than precious money.You
steal it, fight for it, withhold it, manipulate others with it, and
worship its filth-ridden power more often than you distribute it to
the people and places where it’s needed the most.Why must you pick pockets with your
opposable thumbs and manipulate power and information with your gift
of reason?
By this time, the clouds
overhead had begun to crackle and flash, spitting bitter raindrops
on my $300 custom-made golf shoes.It seemed that the weight of the
world had begun to fall, cold and wet from the heavens.I sat down in the sand beside my
ball and began to sob.
THIS WAS A FICTIONAL
ACCOUNT.I DON’T GOLF, AND
I’VE NEVER MET EITHER OF THE AFOREMENTIONED DIETIES.BUT I HAVE BEEN UP IN ORAL ROBERTS
UNIVERSITY’S PRAYER TOWER WHERE PASTOR ROBERTS RETREATED AFTER
CLAIMING THAT GOD WOULD TAKE HIM AWAY IF THE CONGREGATION FAILED TO
RAISE EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS BY MARCH 31, 1986.
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