Prophetic Sweatshirt
August 5, 2003
by SJW ( Professor of all things of questionable interest)


I purchased a sweatshirt in my homeland before I left for South Korea. It was to be the new addition to my wardrobe that would ensure I looked ultra cool as I cruised into the unknown, a piece of clothing that would have people wishing they had my taste and gagging not only to meet me, but BE me. Unreasonable expectations, yes, yet, in a sense they have been exceeded. Maybe it was the prophetic nature of the words displayed so stylishly on its’ front: : "It's all those little unspoken things....".

Unspoken things that make a place and its’ people unique, intriguing, even amusing to the foreign onlooker. In South Korea I have found such “things” to present themselves in many and varied ways, the most helpful of which seems to be an unrelenting sense of duty to ensure visitors of the geographically clueless persuasion get from A to B unscathed. Countless times I have asked an apparently friendly Korean for directions and countless times been lead by the hand or guided accordingly…for blocks, meters, on occasion kilometers - door to door service …it may hinder the pace a little if you are being guided by a 4ft tall ajumma with 70 years of walking experience to slow her down…but hell who wants to arrive on time to teach 20 screaming kindergarten kids?

Another of such “things” is the “shoes too big for feet” phenomenon. It’s subtle, but to the trained eye it is evident. The most obvious indicator of the phenomenon is the turned up shoe-toe. The turned up shoe-toe develops over time and can be linked to the lack of human toe presence in the end of the wearers’ shoe - it will inevitably result in the wearers’ foot appearing elf like. I noticed the phenomenon firstly in the shoes of the adult male Korean. We have a saying in my place of origin, “big feet, big meat”. Take that as you will but for those of you who have your minds firmly set in the gutter, you will be the closest. If this idea rings true in the minds of Korean men then I figure there lays the potential reason for the wearing of “shoes too big for feet”. However, whomever started the trend miscalculated how attractive elves can be to your average female, thus rendering the entire practice useless. As for the existence of the phenomenon within the female population, one can do no more than speculate.

The most overt of the unspoken things I noted post arrival is the “check self out etiquette”, of which there is none. By that I mean no etiquette, no rules, no regulations. After conducting intensive unbiased interviews with any foreigner who happened to be drinking the same beer as me, I came to find I am far from the only soul to have noted and enjoyed this one. The vast majority of Koreans I have encountered by way of subway rides and bus journeys seem to indulge in the “Reckless Use of Reflective Surfaces for Aesthetic Self-Analyses”. Indeed it is true we all do it, but most of us with some degree of self-consciousness do it in the privacy of our own home, or in the bathroom of wherever you may be trying to impress someone. Not here. Any chance to catch a glimpse of yourself, to touch up that hair, make sure you’ve got the Britney bang going on, or the Kennedy comb-over smoothed nicely left to right…or even what jaw clenching exercise most accentuates your manliness; it's all done with a brazen disregard for what other people think. And rightly so; everyone, men and women alike, are seemingly too busy checking themselves out to worry about whether the next person along is compromising their street credibility with each and every facial contortion. Image, image, image. I was told by someone who knows, (whether they do or not could be a matter of contention but for the purpose of making my point I shall quote it as a fact) : there are more non-reconstructive plastic surgery operations performed in South Korea than anywhere else in the world. Is it vanity or self-respect on a very high maintenance level? I’d wager the former.

Aforementioned observation in mind, it would appear that at least one of the 7 deadly sins is overtly embraced in South Korea, concluded on the basis that actions speak louder than words. The second deadly sin I have been privy to is envy. It seems common practice to be envious. I base this on words speaking louder than actions. Thus my analyses is far from consistent. However, in my vast experience communicating with Koreans in the past month I have stumbled upon an incredibly common thread. The term envy is used loosely...so loosely it should really be classified as a common greeting, not a deadly sin. Based on how many people have said they are envious of me, I should have no reason to even so much as glance at myself in the subway window. I am perfect; I am the epitome of what everyone wants to be. No need to go out and buy a nice new sweatshirt. I am perfect already. The color of my hair is perfect, my birthright is perfect; my very existence is a work of perfection. Of course I flit through my days here modestly accepting these comments...hoping they will go to my head, only to find myself avidly seeking my reflection in private places and buying shoes too big for my feet.




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