Half of Namp'odong Feared Dead in Bus Tragedy

PUSAN--Tragedy rocked Pusan yesterday afternoon, when possibly half the population of Namp'odong was killed when the bus they were riding in collided with an oncoming truck. 

Eyewitnesses said the truck, which was full of eggs, swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid a taxi, which had swerved into oncoming traffic to avoid an unidentified vehicle, which had swerved into oncoming traffic for a reason which has yet to be determined. 

The driver of the truck, who is still unidentified, is being autopsied to determine if he was drunk at the time of the crash. Investigators were also trying to determine whether he had placed all of his eggs in the truck.

"That would have been very unwise," said an unidentified bystander. "Who puts all their eggs in one truck?"

The offical death toll stands at 4,210 and is expected to climb as emergency crews work frantically through the night to extricate those still trapped inside the bus. Rescuers remain optimistic they may still find survivors, but as night fell, hopes began to wane.

"There may still be some air pockets inside," said Goh Jin-woo, one of the rescue workers on the scene, "but we all know it's hard enough to breathe on the buses even when they're not twisted into pretzels and covered with eggs."

Because it was a city bus, there is no way of knowing how many, or even who, was on the bus. Concerned family members flocked to the scene and anxiously dialed cell phone numbers of the missing. Many grew visibly distraught when the beep-tone strains of Jingle Bells and Fur Elise were heard from within the charred and eggy wreck. Some fainted and required medical treatment.

The mayor called the crash "a great tragedy" and promised to bring the responsible parties to justice. He also hinted at the possible erection of a monument in nearby Yongdusan Park to commemorate the victims.

"Maybe something in the shape of a bus," said the mayor, "with me at the wheel."
 
 

English Teacher Claims Hagwan Director "Unqualified"

ULSAN--Controversy and countercharges swirled in local academic circles Thursday as Jamie LaRue, a local English teacher, claimed that the director at his Bing Bing Bong English Academy was "unqualified" to run a school.

"The guy's a boob for Christ's sake," claimed LaRue, 23, of Tempe, Arizona. "He owns a couple of pool halls, saved some cash, and opened an English school. He can't even speak English. He probably even sucks at pool."

Speaking through a translator, the director, Kim Jae-ik, 43, called the charge "nonsense", saying that he plays billiards every afternoon, further pointing out that he recently placed second in an area snooker tournament. He went on to say that there are no qualifications necessary to direct an English hagwan. 

"That's crap," countered LaRue, "I mean, like, at the junior college I went to back in the States, all my profs had like Masters degrees or something like that in fields that were sort of related to the ones they taught. This guy has the nerve to tell me what to do and he probably barely finished high school. Whatever."

Mr. Kim pointed out that LaRue majored in Psychology and said that LaRue was probably angry because he asked him to stop playing hangman every day after some parents complained.

LaRue conceded that he hadn't majored in an "English-related field", but added that as a Psychology major, he "read lots of books and sometimes wrote essays." 

"They were heavy books too," La Rue said, "stuff like Jung, you know, archetypes and shit like that. This bozo's probably never even heard of that stuff."

"And what's wrong with hangman anyway?" LaRue asked, "HellOOoo? It's like, a teaching tool. And who does this guy think he is, questioning my pedagology? [Sic] English is my native language, not his."

Soon after his arrival in Korea six weeks ago, Mr. LaRue wrote to the Ministry of Education detailing Mr. Kim's "shocking" lack of education credentials. He had to rewrite the letter two weeks later because he inadvertently dropped the first one into a recycling bin. He says he is still waiting for a reply.

The Education Minister could not be reached for comment. His secretary said only that he was "out to lunch."
 
 

Korean Restaurant to Open in Seomyeon

PUSAN--Korean food lovers, get ready for some good news. A Korean restaurant is opening this Friday in the heart of downtown Pusan.

The owner of Let's Eat Korean, Yi Min-jae, says they will be serving up strictly Korean dishes, ranging from meat to fish to soup. He says he chose Korean cuisine because it's the one he knows best and because he believes it's generally underrated around the world. 

"I'm excited about this place. It's gonna be one of a kind," said Yi. "I want the people of Pusan to see what Korean food is all about. That's why I chose the name Let's Eat Korean."

Let's Eat Korean is located 150 meters south of the Lotte Hotel, between Hong's Pulgalbi and Kimbap Nation.
 
 

Korean Economy Will Either Improve or Decline in Second Quarter, Experts Predict

SEOUL (AP)--A group of international experts predicted Friday that the Korean economy will either improve or decline in the second quarter of this fiscal year.

At a meeting of international experts in Seoul last Friday, Finance Minister Jin Beom-seok summed up the general consensus when he said, "We can expect to see the key economic indicators go either up or down in the coming months." Quoting recent government figures, he said the business community will see either "healthy growth" or "sickly decline."

Many experts concurred with his positive or negative assessment. Robert Fitzpatrick of Bear Stearns, pointed to recent currency fluctuations, "Historically, we've seen exchange rates go up and down. Based on the current figures, we have no reason to think they will not continue to do so in the second quarter."

Fitzpatrick said that his optimism or pessimism was further fueled by corporate restructuring, "The big conglomerates have done a good job getting their houses in order. Or maybe they haven't."

"Either way, one thing is certain," Fitzpatrick added, "Things are going to either get better or worse."

Some experts expressed reservations, saying things might stay the same.

"Nonsense," said Minister Jin. "If you look at our charts, you will see jagged lines as far back as you care to look. This means that these indices tend to go up or down. In the coming quarter, they will almost certainly do one or the other."