10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

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I like living in Korea. I’ve been here for almost six years now, so if I hated it, I would have split a long time ago. I like hiking, I like the food, I like riding my motorcycle, checking out the street markets, and drinking my ass off. It’s a crowded crazy little place and I’ve grown to love it, for better or for worse.  Plus, the girls are bangin’ hot.

That said, there are a lot of things here that I think are totally lame and that I have no interest in ever doing. Here’s a list of ten, in no particular order:

1. I’LL NEVER, EVER GO ON A TEMPLE STAY

I like living in Korea. I’ve been here for almost six years now, so if I hated it, I would have split a long time ago. I like hiking, I like the food, I like riding my motorcycle, checking out the street markets, and drinking my ass off. It’s a crowded crazy little place and I’ve grown to love it, for better or for worse.  Plus, the girls are bangin’ hot.

That said, there are a lot of things here that I think are totally lame and that I have no interest in ever doing. Here’s a list of ten, in no particular order:

1. I’LL NEVER, EVER GO ON A TEMPLE STAY

Does wearing grey pajamas, waking up at three a.m., eating soggy flavorless food, and sitting Indian-style for hours on a hard wooden floor sound like fun to you?  Doesn’t to me.  In fact, it sounds totally shitty and boring as fuck.  Yet countless foreigners head to the monasteries every weekend to do  “temple stays,” as if it’s some essential “cultural experience” that will leave them with a better understanding of Korea.  If you really want to understand the culture, pick up some of the language and get drunk with some ajoshhis at your local soju tent.

And a lot of people give Buddhists a pass because they’re all “nice” and don’t bomb abortion clinics, but Buddhists believe that people are poor because they were assholes in their “past life.”  That sounds like a load of horse shit used to keep people in their place to me.  Screw Buddhists.  I’d rather be a Muslim any day, as at least they believe in egalitarianism.

2. I’LL NEVER, EVER WEAR A HANBOK

Nothing seems to tickle the locals’ fancy more than dressing up the big goofy foreigners in hanboks, which are colorful, traditional Korean attire.  Schools love to make their teachers put them on for festivals and special days; some losers even get married in the things, no doubt at the insistence of their ball-busting soon to be a battle-ax ajumma future wives.  Hanboks suck.  They make any woman who dons one look pregnant and pretty much every foreigner look like a stupid, fat clown (which is how they see us, anyway.)

In short: jarg clobber.

3. I’LL NEVER, EVER GO TO THE BORYEONG MUD FESTIVAL

Nothing says “newbie” like the Boryeong Mud Festival:  Packs of fresh-off-the-boat teachers wandering around in various states of undress, covered in mud that’s not even from the beach (it’s trucked in for the event) and celebrating the fact that they can publicly drink without getting arrested.  The whole thing is a like ESL spring break, but instead of hot coeds, you’re forced to endure herds of morbidly obese Canadian chicks spilling out of their bikinis.  No thanks.

4.  I’LL NEVER, EVER SEE THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS

The only thing as dreadfully boring as a temple stay must be the yearly pilgrimages to see the cherry blossoms ever April.  People pack into their Hyundai Sonatas and wait hours in horrendous traffic jams just to catch of glimpse of the “beautiful cherry blossoms that sooth the soul.”  Sure they’re kind of pretty, but they’re just little fucking flowers on trees.  Are they that desperate for natural beauty in this country that blossoms on trees whip them up into some sort of sightseeing frenzy? I don’t get it. I’d rather wash my cats, or spend the weekend watching National Treasure 1 and 2 on a constant loop.
 

5.  I’LL NEVER, EVER “HELP THE ORPHANS”

It’s seems like every month, somebody’s doing some kind of benefit to “help the orphans” – concerts, silent actions, volunteer trips – you name it, those orphans are getting a lot of love, not to mentions some big coin.  It’s as if they’re the only charity that foreigners care about.  Who are these “orphans” anyway?  I’ve never met any.   I thought all of the orphans in this country get adopted by needy and neurotic white couples from Wisconsin  Anyway, fuck ’em.  If their parents didn’t love them enough to keep them, why should I?

6.  I’LL NEVER, EVER GO TO THE INCHEON CERAMIC FESTIVAL

This guy did, and even posted pictures:  http://chrisinsouthkorea.blogspot.com  Check out all the mugs and pots.  That looks like SO MUCH FUCKING FUN.

7. I’LL NEVER, EVER PAY MONEY TO SEE A SUPER COOL LAPTOP BAND

There have been a smattering of bands coming through Korea of late, which I do applaud.  However they’ve all been small combos of unshaven emaciated vegan hipsters playing electroclash or whatever bullshit is passing for cool among the ironic mullet set in Williamsburg, Silverlake, and Portland, Oregon these days.  Recently a duo called Xiu Xiu came to town.  I checked out their video on youtube, and it was a steaming glass of pretentious cat piss.  This isn’t surprising, seeing how they’re signed to my home town of Olympia’s super-elitist Kill Rock Stars label, who have always put out music so “cool” that it doesn’t even have to be good.

Call me an old, out-of-touch jerkoff, but if you require a laptop computer to play a show, you’re not a musician and I probably will hate you and want to burn down your band.

8.  I’LL NEVER, EVER LEARN HOW TO MAKE “DEOK”

Deok, or Korean rice cakes are culturally cherished, but they’re really like eating concentrated apathy.  They’re nothing but rice that’s been smacked to death with a huge wooden mallet.  Koreans love the things and are always forcing them on foreigners, oblivious to the fact that most of us do not think that “Korean rice cakes are the most delicious rice cakes.”  But it’s always in front of your boss or at a home where you teach a very lucrative private, so you choke down the slab of “deok” that looks and tastes like it was cut straight out of a nerf football.

Some silly and stupid foreigners go on weekend retreats where they learn to make the shit.  That’s just wrong.  Some recipes need to stay in the family.

9. I’LL NEVER, EVER EAT BOSHINGTANG

Boshingtang is Korean dog meat soup.  It’s pretty much only eaten by men (to make their dicks hard), and is eaten mainly in the summer, often with su yuk (steamed dog meat).  Most foreigners rightly turn their noses up a the disgusting and depraved practice of eating fido, but there are a big enough minority that give it a try, some with gusto even.  They think they’re getting some “real” cultural experience, but no, they’re just eating nasty-ass greasy dog meat and patting themselves on the back for really “getting into Korea.”

Fuck that.  I’ve been to the Gupo dog market and seen those poor guys stuffed in their cages and looking out at me with sad, defeated eyes, resigned to their unfortunate fate, which usually involves being strung up and beaten before getting killed.  This supposedly makes the meat more tender or delicious or some other load of crap, but I think it’s just because the people who raise and slaughter dogs are just plain mean.

I know, I know.  I’m a hypocrite because I eat other meat and those animals are too, treated brutally.  But I say fuck you, dogs are different and should not be eaten.  Chickens, on the other hand, are fair game. (rimshot)

10.  I’LL NEVER, EVER PAY OUT THE ASS FOR OVERPRICED SHITTY FOREIGN FOOD 

How many times have I gone to an Indian, Thai, or Turkish place in Korea and gotten totally hosed?  I never trust any foreigner who says, “Oh, there’s this amazing new middle eastern restaurant in Kyungsungdae.  It’s awesome.”  Why?  Because it never is.  Most all of these places require a wheelbarrow full of banknotes to pay for portions so small that they’d leave a Darfur refugee wanting for more.  One time I counted three microscopic pieces of chicken in a sixteen dollar curry at an abortion of an Indian restaurant.  The worst is the time I went to the Thai place in Haeundae and ordered the crab and shrimp curry (thirty six bucks).  The dish arrived, with a handful of small, spiny, gum slicing crabs.  Upon further investigation I discovered there were no shrimp at all.  When confronted, the surly waitress curtly informed us that they were out of shrimp that day and turned and walked away.    And I won’t even write about the massacres that are Korean attempts at Mexican food, except to say that the ceviche I tried in Masan was made with ketchup.  Motherfucking ketchup.

I’ve pretty much given up, and so should you.  Wait until you leave this country to get your fix of foreign food, or make the shit yourself – that’s what I do.  And to all you wannabe food critics out there, stop writing glowing reviews of awful foreign restaurants for publications such as 10, Groove, and Busan Haps.  I haven’t read a negative restaurant review yet, and believe me, some of these places need their rectums reamed.

Me? I’ll be sticking to bibimbap, galbi,  and my daily jeong shik.  As for the shitty foreign restaurants? Just like the holocaust: never again.



35 thoughts on “10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO”

  1.  funny stuff! here’s my take

     funny stuff! here’s my take ….

    1. too harsh! (you don’t like hippies -fair enough) but reckon it would be a pretty good experience once the pain of getting up at 4 o’clock is over…

    2. lol…i looked really bad in my wedding hanbok! -..but my wife – she looked fantastic….for special occasions its just a bit of tradition..you gotta relax and enjoy it like a fancy dress party!

    3.  you are 99% right…but did have a nice mudpack-massage there tho…

    4. hhmm year 1 and 2  I was the same as you – third year here tho – LOVE THE CHERRY BLOSSOM!…

    5. don’t know bout that one

    6. bet in 10 years you’ll be a ceramics connoisseur.

    7. well yeah – real bands all the way…screw hipsters..but like the vegan people

    8. very true..deok looks great but so disappointing to eat.

    9. well said..

    10. disagree.. yes its pricey but some is great (eg cine-de-chef shinsegae italian)..but yes some is very bad – eg Ganga indian

     

    Reply
    • Re:  funny stuff! here’s my take

       I totally agree about us and other mags only having good reviews… but the reviewer obviously thought they were good. I spent a lot of time being critical of the world through my blog and thoroughly enjoyed reaming those who needed reaming. But for what we are doing with Haps, negative reviews are kinda of a waste of ink and time –people want to know about the good spots to dine.

      Not too mention the oppressive libel laws here. 

      Appreciate the input…

      Bobby

      Reply
  2. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Funny but true for the most part. I LOVE the part of the foreign food. I myself eat Korean when out at a restaurant and try to steer clear of Western. 

    Reply
  3. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    POM, I think I have a new found respect for you. I think the orphan slam was a bit too much but many of the top ten are bang on.

    1. For sure, screams of a cheesey Arirang episode. These were the same monks that were at each other’s throats during a cult leadership revolt a couple years back.  

    2. Nothing more pathetic than whitey in silk drag. Even koreans don’t wear this crap, they dress western everyday for a reason. They want to be like us.

    3. classic, pure genius. I actually spit coffee on the ‘spilling’ out line.

    4. Aren’t these on every campus of every university in Korea? good for two weeks, allergies included.

    5. Really harsh, I’d suggest an edit. The less than human abandoners need the lashing, not the children, they did nothing wrong.

    6. Didn’t even know there was one, Paint drying sounds like more of a hoot.  

    7. Low-tech rocks.

    8. Deok is shit.  The only time koreans eat deok is when other koreans are around and they don’t want to be the last traitor standing. Normally the stuff is used to caulk windows, that’s the only good use for deok.

    9. One thing though it is not a minority or specialty disht. Nearly half of Koreans eat canine meat. It is very popular, more so than most people think. It is just on a media block out because only ‘bad koreans’ eat dog. Well I guess there are 20,000,000 bad koreans here then. They must be all hogwan owners. Yes, I eat it. I’m a beast I know.

    10. Well, my last sandwich kebap was lamb on a cold hot dog bun. Once bitten, twice shy and never again.

     

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  4. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Piece of Meat- aren’t you Tarpy in disguise?Very funny, but the orphan part was a little harsh. I was an orphan, so next time I see you, you are getting a slap from my bull recker fists.(just kidding)


    My ten

    1- Never help another pignorant transient

    2- Say Hello to a newbie.

    3- Drink in the company of a light weight- 1 beer type in 5 hours. 

    4- Go to a foreigner bar , to hang out with super hyped Gnerds.

    5- Eat something recommended by a Korean mate eg cows’ stomach- tripe 

    6- Take a shit in an outhouse.

    7- Pay for a non conversation with an overinflated ego  for 300, sleep with her, nor buy her whiskey. again.( before marriage)

    8- Hold hands with a man here , share a fricken Sunday, get fed by a man, again.

    9- Bow to, nor shake  hands with a Principal who washes his hands before taking a shite.

    10- Cheat on my wife with my first love, Mek Chu, Sue, Dong Ju and Mz Mak Lee. The hangers (hangovers) on like Jang,nor  miss Byung. They have led me astray for too long.

    Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

      Back from my walk, I have to go early, it’s just too hot in the afternoon.

      You guys are killing me this morning. Both lists really are a true take on life here, I’m in a good mood now because of you cats.I really can’t add a ist of my own, you said it all.

      Reply
  5. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Lame and ignorant.

     

    1) Temple stays are a korean experience? They are a Buddhist experience you moron.

    2) Ya, why would you-you are ignorant! At my wedding I wore one and now have the most beautiful wife ever. Do you even have a girlfriend?

    3) Obese Canadians at mudfest? How about people who are having fun you donkey. If this is Tharp you are not in a position to make fun of others. You are about as god looking as, well, a donkey’s you know what.

    4) Cherry Blossoms are every where. How can you not see them. Blind and dumb? And back home people go for drives in the country when leaves change colour in the fall so why not here when the blossoms are out in the spring. You said they were kind of pretty so why not go see them? Makes no sense??? Im happy because it means spring is here. Hell ya!

    5) I would never help you. They at least want help-you are merely in need but cant realize it.

    6) I would never watch grass frow either. This made the list? LAME!

    7) Guess you are just old but that is life right.

    8) Ya, why learn how to cook Korean food when you live here as you can go eat foreign food…oops, no you cant! See number 10.

    9) Cows and chickens are killed in such a humane way back home arent they? How about rabbits and frogs? Mention we eat that back home and Koreans cringe but dog-oh my god!

    10) Who would? Do you think you are some kind of wizard coming up with that. Hey, lets go eat over priced shitty food. Geeze. So stupid.

     

    It took me 3 minutes to type this. I hope it took you less to do your list as it is that stupid. Enjoy whatever it is that there is for you to enjoy.

    Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

      I do belive I saw the guy who wrote the original article at the Teenage Fantasy show/ handsome furs show. Why were you there? It was pretty hipster, eh?

      Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

      I love my life here and if you can’t laugh about it or make joke of it then I don’t know if you’ve been here too long or not long enough. I concider myself a patriot here but if Korea was the centre of the universe I wouldn’t mind calling them the east, west, and south sea but they aren’t nor is Korea. No group of people(korean or the foreign community) or country is above a good slam or criticism on any level.

      Another thing, dogs here are beaten with a stick while being hung to enhance flavor,  then electrocuted, thrown into a vat, boiled alive then the hair is burned off with a torch and then the meat is cut up. Back home cows are shot once in the head, for chickens a brain stab is used. They are instantanious deaths unlike the barbarism of what I described above. You can’t compare them. By the way, they eat rabbit and frog here as well. I had tokki tang recently, they also eat frogs in kangwan-do although I have never eaten them.  

      Reply
      • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

        lee-bum-suk i suggest you watch earthlings or investigate further before making that claim about humane the slaughter is of animals from back home.

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        • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

          Wow. Lee is saying it is okay to make fun of people, life styles and so on. This coming from a guy who went off because foreigners like drinking at Family Marts. I have now seen it all. Drinking is bad but making fun of Temple Stays, Canadians, Orphans and so on is okay Lee???

           It was a terrible top 10. Not one thing was funny. It was insensitve at best. Some may be true but for sure it was not funny. Someone taking all that time to post that makes me think-if you are not willing to do those top 10 things, why are you willing to waste that much time writing and posting that? Makes no sense. I wont see what it is like to live like a Buddhist but I will write a top 10 list. Nothing like priorities. I guess when you dont do anything you have time to do nothing at all. Winning strategy to be sure. Im out of here. Lame lame lame!

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          • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

            You need to learn to read, I never said anything bad about orphans. In fact I told POM to edit.

            The list was funny, Canadians especially need to be made fun of, temple stays are pathetic, so are fat foreigners in bikinis.

            I don’t know if the heat is getting to you or perhaps you are doing too many privates or a combo of the two but you really need to mellow out, calm down and have a laugh. Leave the political correctness in America with all the 300lbs women that aren’t fat they just have big bones and overactice thyroid glands.

            I love korea, if a person is fat, they call them pig. You don’t like it, lose weight. Sensativity should be left in the sandbox. Back home has become a nation of  grade 3ers, I won’t let Korea become the same.   

          • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

            perhaps you should read mine as well. i mentioned how you went into a rage because people were drinking outside of family mart but here you think it is okay to make fun of people who are over weight and so on. kinda weird-especially now that you are saying, “I love korea, if a person is fat, they call them pig. You don’t like it, lose weight. Sensativity should be left in the sandbox. Back home has become a nation of  grade 3ers, I won’t let Korea become the same.” seems contradictory that is all as you seem to really get on people here for what they do here.

            as for chilling out, again, reall lee? you just blasted someone and went into a tirade and mentioned your car and all the money your wife has but you were way off base with that to. i wont comment on this further but i think you need to look into the mirror here. your posts make me laugh generally and i have no problem with you saying the list is funny but when it goes opposite with everything else you do and say on here it makes me wonder. maybe this is the new lee. who knows. personally, i think a 3rd grader could have come up with that top ten list. it really was not funny at all. like i said before, some may be true but it was not funny. anyway, im done with this post. the top 10 wont get any better so… later everyone!

          • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

            Hi Jay, I retracted that rant of drinking outside on the street. I tried it and like it, I will do it again soon but it’s just too hot these days. I wonder what my electricity bill is going to be like with the amount of air-con I’m using…anyway I respect your opinion. I do go over the top sometimes.

            Take care.  

  6. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Here’s how your post could have been written to get your point across.

    1,  Temple stays.  many people do them.  But it does require a lot of silence and getting up really early in the morning.  I am not a morning person and I do enjoy noise so its not an experience I want.  

    2. Wearing a hanbok.  Hanbok is traditional korean clothing that I don’t look good in.  I don’t think anyone looks good in them but if you want to, try wearing them and find out for yourself.

    3. Mud festival.  Some people get excited about sliding around in the mud.  That’s their choice.  I am a fan of being clean and in my air conditioned home.  I’d rather spend my summer weekend at one of Korea’s beautiful beaches, or spending time with my family.  This is also the Korean way.

    4. Cherry Blossoms.  There are many festivals in Korea that involve cherry blossoms, and thousands of people attend.  But the blossoms only last for a short while and make a mess on the streets.  Plus, every city has some area with cherry blossoms.  I am not going to travel for a festival when I can see the same flowers in my city and avoid the crowds.

    5.  Help the orphans.  I understand people want to give back to the community.  There are many ways of going about it but check your visa, you may be restricted from doing charitable work.  I feel its cruel to give a saturday to orphans.  Having different people come in and out of your lives all the time is not healthy.  If you are serious,  then make a commitment and learn the language soyou can communicate with them.  If you aren’t serious, there are other opportunities available.  I myself know that I cannot commit to the time that one needs to really be there for orphans.

    6. Incheon Ceramic Festival.  Not a fan of artsy stuff. Its too far away but its a great place to pick up ceramic souvenirs if you are into that kind of thing.  Obviously I am not.

    7. Korean Bands. I feel that some bands here rely too much on computers to produce their music.  Some think the music is catchy.  

    8.  Making deok.  The Korean rice cake.  Not a fan of rice cakes.  To me, cake should be sweet and rice should be nowhere near it.  But its tradition and don’t knock anyone from trying it out of curiousity.  I myself am not curious.

    9. Dog meat.  I will never eat dog meat.  I believe it is wrong. I know i eat other animals. It’s just wrong in my culture to eat dog meat. 

    10. Foreign food.  Even though i crave foods from home, I find them here to be too expensive and small portioned.  I don’t recommend eating from these restaurants.  But this is just my opinion.

    11.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut and your fingers still.

    Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

      Kat,

            if you have an understanding of the American Constitution, you will have heard of freedom of speech. He is quite free to write whatever he wants, so long as it is not libellous.His post was meant for amusement, not a harsh critique , just amusing take on life here. I hope he will keep his fingers busy, as he has a right to do so.The PC brigade have too much power in this World already. I will defend anyone on here, so long as their point is valid, not harmful to others, and is correct in it’s intention. We have some serious discussion  on this forum , but we are also allowed to have fun. We have a manger and moderators to do the job you attempted to do so pointlessly.Piece of Meat has been on this forum since it begun, we don’t always agree on much, but keep your mouth shut and fingers still is bossy in the extreme.Ditto.

      Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

      As for Kat:  Thanks for redoing my list and managing to take out every bit of humor in the thing.  You really took what I thought was a piece of fun and made it into the most tepid, mushy, boring piece of writing that my now-sleepy eyes have ever had the misfortune to take in.

      ….

      And really, if everybody only said “nice” things all the time, what kind of lame, awful, inoffensive, PC world would that be?  Certainly one without any good art, music, writing, or comedy.

      As Mark Twain said: “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” 

      Reply
  7. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t have joined. Keep up the good work PoM, one of the most entertaining writers around!
    Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO
      jokes are great. tell me one or show me one and i l laugh. im as crude as they come but the top ten list is just not funny. and i dont mean because it is insensitive but literally, it is just lame. it reads like some kids at elementary school talking in the playground. just seems juvenile.  i just dont see where the humor is. homestays are so boring…hahaha. this is funny? ceramics are boring…hahaha this is funny? and so on. where is the humor. i dont want to eat dog…hahaha i dont want to spend money on expensive food that is bad…hahaha i dont get it? a good writer could make that funny but this is just not. taking a joke on the chin because you have done something stupid is one thing but no one is taking one here as it is not personal-it just is not funny!

      Reply
      • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

        Jay, 

              POM, in my mind, was right in a lot of what he wrote here.He addressed a lot of the pretentiousness that exists here. Maybe some of us are bitter, old and twisted.However, we don’t like cock sure newbies, esp. those who think they invented a good time. I don’t think he’s in the minority when it comes to his views.I think a lot old timers would concur with most of the points he made. What’s wrong with a little honesty, dressed in humour?There was only one part that was out of order. In my opinion, that was the orphan comment.The rest, made me laugh, until me sides split open.As far as I am concerned, a lot of the following is pretentious sh-te.

        For example :Temple stays are lame,why bother?I can have hours of silence & stimulation,  with my mouse at the ready,and I don’t have to meditate. Mud Festivals do suck ,getting dirty by the beach together, wow! Give the monkeys peanuts.Cherry Blossoms- give me break,if you can’t eat ’em don’t bother. My particular pet hate, over priced restaurants.Yeah, real good value (not), one burp & two farts, and your hungry again.Speaking of food, errm, Boshintang- I don’t eat my Chingus.There are so many things he could have added, I hope he does.

        Reply
  8. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Wow.  This suddenly blows up on Koreabridge.  I wrote this months ago.  You should have seen the facebook thread.

    I wrote it because I think it was funny.  I still think it’s funny – EVERYTHING ON THE LIST – ESPECIALLY THE ORPHAN BIT.  Sorry if it offends some of you, but when I was seven I was raped by a roving band of orphans. 

    As for your “criticism,” Jay.  You sound like a real hoot.  I bet you’re totally fun to hang out with.  I’m sure the banter is flying off the walls.

    I’m glad you were offended, because the list is aimed at witless whoppers just like yourself. 

    PS:  I do have a girlfriend, and I think she’s lovely.

    Reply
  9. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Fantastic piece. 

    This post serves well as a cautionary tale for all those considering staying on for a second (or third, sixth) year after their initial contract:  Beware the righteous douchebags who walk among us. It does not take a keen eye to recognize the postings of a douche, however this post in particular is a terrific example of just how douchey a douche can be. 

    Now, if you’ve already read this post and had a hardy chuckle, maybe even a lol derived solely from the content of the piece; move on.  You are almost certainly already a douche and your salvation is well beyond the scope of this reply.  Alternatively, should you be filled with moral outrage and feel the need to make an impotent retort to every point from the post, please, move on as well.  Although you are not a douche, you are still an unwitting stalwart to the douchebag who feeds off your indignation, which makes you a bit of a tool and also beyond the scope of this reply.  No, this is for the people that either couldn’t give a shit about what the douches have to say, or who find a melancholy amusement from the insights the douches post into their own bitter, pathetic existences.     

    Perhaps you’ve yet to run into their kind.  If so, congratulations! for they are truly one of the greatest downers you will ever come across in all your time abroad.  Should you happen upon a douche (they are often alone, belly up to the bar, possibly eating an all-day breakfast), STEER CLEAR.  What you have digested from the post above is quite similar to the dismal ramblings which will be forced on you. 

    These people live a life nearly devoid of joy.  Their closest approximation to that feeling comes by first, getting your attention, and secondly by divulging in great detail the wisdom gained by their many years abroad.  This will be presented in a half-drunk, moderately condescending tone with an air of authority that they improbably developed to compensate for their vapid lives.  They will more often than not resort to using the word ‘newbie’; most commonly associated with preteens on mmorpg forums when describing a  newcomer with inferior xp.  The douche will however use it to describe all those who have a true appreciation for new experiences in foreign lands, and castigate them for it. 

    Why the [person – insult replaced by mod]  holds such bitterness for those who come here years after him remains a mystery for me.  While it may be sadly entertaining to witness these bags first hand, trust me, they are to be avoided. 

    Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO


      “Righteous douche bags-

       how douchey a douche can be- filled with moral outrage-you’ve yet to run into their kind-people live a life nearly devoid of joy-moderately condescending tone with an air of authority that they improbably developed to compensate for their vapid lives.- you are obviously sure of these claims and assumptions”- moderators let this go, OK.


      Mods this is probably rude, however, the stuff written here should be replied to in kind.

      Is this your opening gambit?To make such damning verdict, of such a fine piece of comedy.The fact you seem to display no respect for experience, nor age,probably makes you one of those fools we Douche bags laugh about. You know, the know it all of know it all Newbies, who won’t take advice and then go home packing. You could go back to the cot you came from and whilst you’re at it,  pick up your toys, while Mummy cleans your dummy, nappy waiting. Wow, Einstein, nee Moses, has graced us with his company.I would like to give him a sumptuous welcome.

       Well done! I find it interesting and funny, yet strange, that you can associate so clearly with the douches here.Without such a composite wealth of knowledge, it would be hard to recognise & relate such qualities with such exact familiarity.Sad assumptions, from a witless wonder, it seems.How would you know so much without some knowledge of the lesser spotted DB.Most DBs wouldn’t be in the bar you’d be in, veggie cafe, coffee house, origami , or yogalates session you would have been at earlier.

      All spare us, that we would have something interesting, or intellectual to do.Some DBs   work, others like to study, some preach eg like on  Pusanweb, many enjoy looking after our families, a few like going to the casino and to the track.Some of us go to bars, yes we do,let us burn in hell for it. Some of us, even like humorous jokes. I don’t go to Church, the doors would close in on me, with the Vicar exhaling , “Satin is in the building”.Quite a lot of us are buying new cars, spending some of the large amounts of cash we make on fine wine, nice Scotch and Cuban cigars.A double Douche bag like LBS is probably driving  his Audi(lol), and I am sitting in an air conditioned, marina apartment.Tharpy is probably practising with his Punk band, kissing Roy, and knocking back a fine whiskey.What a bunch a losers we are.If you need any advice on achieving such a DB life, feel free to contact me.

      Whilst you save all of your money, living from hand to mouth. Spending hours of wasted time on  buses,eating rubbish & tasteless veggie cutlets , finding the cheapest money can buy.Yet again, whining about us , how much we make, and why we don’t have to take Aids tests. Perhaps, you are ringing mummy,or should I say, Mummy is ringing you, whilst talking about oneself , never pausing to ask how she is?. Get off your high horse Tonto. 

      In terms of the evidence, where is it?I challenge your(Newbies) vs. our ( DBs) behaviour, check the records.As far as drinking ridiculous and O.T.T amounts, watch the summer special on Fox, read the newspapers, and see Police- Immigration accounts about arrest of foreigners.For example,  in Public areas eg Festivals. I use the Boryeung Mud festival as an example of lewd and crass, arrogant, pompous, and disregardful behaviour. Do you think trashing and leaving trash on the beaches,cursing everywhere is cool. How about disregard for the locals, eg Kyungsung Area,fighting, shouting abusive nonsense at women passing, cursing at strangers, and pulling moons when drunk. How about sharking on beaches eg taking photos of girls at Haeunde, fighting in clubs.Sadly, the evidence of this on TV, in Korean’s minds and in the records.Things  like getting arrested and deported for silly, brain dead stuff, is all there to see.Not many of us Oldies are doing that, nor did we here.I’ll bet you, vomiting on the floor, is higher in the newbies, than the old experts.So much for that argument.

       Sorry, but, the reason I don’t like many of the Newbies is evident here.Your piece, in my thinking, illiterates the nature of the cock sure. Not at all considered, nor measured, but rude, ungrateful, know it all, assuming. You exemplify the instant gratification types, who think they should get everything on a plate.You prove my point 100 percent.Be a good lad and toddle off now, rube. Go and find a melancholy amusement from the insights of the douches who posted a reply with their own bitter, pathetic existences. That is what you suggest, right? Without us, or the good work we have done in the years and years since dinosaur walked, you wouldn’t be here.

      Reply
  10. Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

    Winning an argument on the internet is just like winning the special Olympics: even if you win, you’re still retarded.

    You guys are a real fine example. Lee Bum Suk, as a side note, is the saddest example of all, a true unique specimen of loserness, excuse the new word I just invented. I wonder if he does anything else in life besides wasting his students’ money, posting as much crap on this forum as possible, and bragging about his car that his rich wife supposedly paid for, cash.

    Ah. 

    Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO
      Sorry my lifestyle made you angry, don’t forget to leave the jja-jang-myung dish outside of your monthly rented one room wakster and don’t forget you have to buy garbage bags you just can’t leave your trash on the veranda, it attracts rats.

      Reply
    • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

      Insistence on childish insults-Why is it, You and Rube have to use the word loser?Is that it ? Another ploy is to say if you reply, you are a tool?Pathetic!

      Mine friend, your medal is being made, and its special, where do you want it sent? I think this is what the dictionary calls an oxymoron.Your pop at mentally challenged people is nice, real nice.Using a words like loser, retard and tool seem to be the limits, of your somewhat American vocabulary. The British have so many more imaginative insults: one begins W ends R, another starts A ends S, Begins with T ends R, begins A ends E, begins D ends D, begins C ends T, begins P ends K, why don’t you come back next year when you have worked them out.

      Reply
      • Re: 10 THINGS IN KOREA THAT I’LL NEVER, EVER DO

        Now that was funny.

        Oh…. and whomever wrote slamming me on my Audi, I forgot your name all ready, someone dinged as of this morning it so I guess you can be happy all day. I only mentioned it before becaue I thought someone was insulting me on a thread. I read it wrong, I wish I hadn’t because now I have to defend myself because of a gift from my wife. I don’t know where you are from but you should emigrate to America where socialism is the new black. 

         It”s ok to hang theich because they only worked and saved their money for 15years so they could reap the rewards of those years of underconsumption and actually saving money and not mortgaging up everything and making payments until rapture. Everything we have we deserve, we never got anything from anybody, I don’t know if you are jealous of me or what but don’t hate those who have, try to better yourself instead of  pitchfork mobbing.

        Reply

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